As I sit with couples, singles, and groups, the largest gripe I hear and feel is broken promises or broken images of what 'should be' or 'must be' based on one's deeply entrenched stories and belief systems of how another should show up. This happens when one dreams what and how another should be and doesn't allow for another's original dream of self to be.
Last week I spoke with a woman (A) who was wounded by her partner's (B) desire to be different from A’s ideals (differing dreams of another). B changed the relationship container when he accepted an internal desire/pull to flow in personal truth/essence (to flow in his original dreaming of self). When B accepted his dream, that acceptance triggered an old wound A had been carefully band-aiding and avoiding.
This organic trigger is rarely accepted as a gift or opportunity to clear tense parts of a relationship. It is usually felt as betrayal or treason to one’s unknown values. This gift might not be easy to process or celebrate in joy, but it can bring an offering of radiant freedom and love. An opportunity to heal a relationship that is built on false dreaming and poor communication.
B’s desire to be true to his essence (his purpose and original dream) pulled him in directions that confused A. A's dream of B was different than B's dream of B. B had been suppressing his dream. And now after years of showing up as A's dream, B started to move in his dream with authority and integrity.
Unfortunately, they had zero tools to deal with this sort of life upset. When this happens, it is no small upset to either party when old belief system containers are rattled. So many why questions erupted from A who was unconsciously having her core wound ripped open. A’s perception was that it was B who was at fault. B had been innocently and carefully spending all his energy acting in a way that preserved A’s dreamy view of B, and when that illusion changed, what followed was Rage, Blame, and Shame. Nobody can nor should be blamed. The emotions are typical of what happens when an internal safety feature is broken.
The original relationship was not one that held a container where two sovereign people supported each other through open communication, compassion, and integrity. Where where the dreams of each other were based on genuine content. After asking A some real questions, A admitted to not being happy with how the relationship was and that there were many moments where A hadn’t actually wanted to continue in the morose state they had been accepting. The pandering of each other's false dreaming.
A had an underlying dream of a white picket fence and a knight to protect and support that dream. B decided to take a huge risk and move to action to become a powerful knight of truth and integrity to his soul. And of course, change can be terrifying for anyone.
B desired to dream of a powerful sovereign existence filled with accountability, creativity, calling, and curiosity. B wanted to cultivate a real relationship with authentic action. Full of fear of an unpredictable future, B chose to accept an unconventional path of walking in truth. A path of sovereignty caused a separation from old patterns that were built out of childhood stories and wounds.
For A, this new sovereign being was causing feelings of an old familiar abandonment pattern from childhood to awaken. That abandonment wound had been the instigator behind her dreams for a safe white picket fence and solid knight. A knight that was to show up exactly as she expected, not how he would show up in his own quality.
We all have our patterns and pathways to heal and at times it takes huge moments of choosing integrity over submission. Courage offers a ripe environment for chaos. And chaos offers a fantastic opportunity for balance.
We generate this ideal human partner, ideal community, ideal work environment based on loose dreams and information we have gathered from sources such as cartoons, dramas, parents, stories, social media, and so on. For the purpose of this blog I stuck to couple relationships, however, I hope you'll be able to apply this to all types of relationships that create drama.
When we meet up with someone who appears to meet most of our expectations, unconscious values, and 'known needs', we tend to fill in the rest of the 'dream' of another with our own content and begin a path together. And when partners are not available to express dreams and communicate openly, we begin to create piles of disinformation based on false assumptions.
In a healthy relationship, none of this would happen. No expectations. No filling in blanks about the other person. No false dreaming another. We would remain curious about how this human shows up in our moments with joy, sadness, love, worry, confidence, support, safety, and many other wonderful aspects of life that make life so beautiful. That curiosity would be communicated openly without fear of punishment. No human is like another. No human has the capacity to be another. No human can effectively fill the desires of another if those desires are built out of a limited thought or belief. And as humans, we are constantly evolving, developing, molding, and expanding.
If you are the identical person you were last year, you might have yourself in a self-imposed penitentiary of sorts. Stuck in the dreams of another.
Life is fairly simple when we communicate with unconditional love and allow others to communicate back and love us unconditionally.
